And now the hard part.

So what do I think it is that bothers me? Little bits of everything. I don't feel like I have much of a future. I don't see what I do as meaningful and I don't see the environment I live in as stable or fulfilling. I don't think the work I do will allow me to be a middle class citizen in the long run. I don't even know if that is what I want. I don't believe the United States is a meritocracy and I don't believe that there will be a strong middle class by the end of my life. I believe that I will be living with more inequality than ever before by the end of my days. All these things are depressing but the worst part is feeling alone.

Feeling alone starts with family. At the age of 9 my mother started dying visibly. My father ran away from it, staying at work as long as he could. My brother did the same thing with sports or whatever excuse presented itself. Both denied that the inevitable would happen.

In these early days of mom being sick I stayed and talked with her and helped her out with everyday chores that she could no longer do. Not to say that the others didn't but it seemed to me that during the week it was me there more often than not and the other two returning late. In some ways I am glad I did but I recognize now that it cost me my childhood. I never really could relate to other kids, take joy in trivial things, go out and simply play. Not only did I not have time to but Mom was dying. The reality of death set in at a very early age.

When she finally passed it pretty much tore the family apart. We tried to go to family counseling but my brother refused citing any excuse he could to not go. My father and he began fighting constantly with my father becoming very depressed and eventually trying antidepressants. These years were really the beginning of the end of what I considered my direct family. Never since then have I felt that I had support from my direct family. I feel more support from my aunts and uncles than I do my family.

These days this is reinforced unfortunately. My father has remarried and I have no meaningful conversation with him. After my experience post graduation I know I can't count on him for any support, even if it just means a place to sleep. My brother still won't talk about mother or family as far as I can tell. Not even with his soon to be wife.

All I have are friends and that is something at least. Unfortunately its not quite the same as having family and when it comes right down to it that is what gets me most. I sit here at night and I feel alone.